hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
