I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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