I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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