I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
