im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
