Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
