I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
