i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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