If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
