you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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