I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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