I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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