You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
