DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
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Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
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How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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