I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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