my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i used baking grease as lip gloss
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
