Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
