so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
