Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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