I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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