FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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