I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
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"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
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Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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