I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
