i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
