M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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