I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
