She's JV to your varsity
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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