last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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