its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Randomize
