Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
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I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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