i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
