I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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