you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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