Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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