I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
