The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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