the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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