hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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