I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
