I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
