bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
