I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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