Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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