I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
