non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
