so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
