So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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