So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
