Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
