So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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