do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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