LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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