i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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