the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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