Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
