Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
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I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
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Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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