i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
