I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
