Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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